Plot?
by Penguin of Eden
Summary: Plot? LOL
1. Your Perfect Wife!

"Ah, that's right. Did you hear about the "Find your perfect spouse!" new app, Senpai?"

"What?"

Hikigaya, Yuigahama, Yukinoshita and Isshiki assembled around a single table, their eyes focusing on the screen of Isshiki's phone.

 _Find your ideal partner for life! Subscribe for free!_

"So you fill the survey questions and this VR goggles will predict and create a model of your future partner." Isshiki said while taking said VR goggles out of her bag and connected it with her phone with a cable.

"It sounds a little suspicious."

"It might be fun. Let's try it!"

"I'm not interested. Leave me out of this-"

Hikigaya Hachiman: Equipped.

When he put on the goggles and get comfortable, the ladies looked at him with expectations on their eyes.

"Nnn..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

They leaned forward, anxious to hear his answer.

"...Hmmm. Black hair, I guess?"

Yuigahama and Isshiki couldn't support the weight of their own bodies and fell on their hands and knees.

"I can just paint my hair black!" (2x)

"Ahem." Yukinoshita fake coughed, her hand hiding her clearly triumphant smile.

"And you are actually quite happy about it, aren't you!?" (2x)

But Hikigaya Hachiman, who was solely focusing on what the VR goggles were showing to him, ignored all the ruckus that was happening outside of the virtual world.

"Ho-ho. Big breasts would be nice. Thanks."

It seems at this point, Hikigaya was too much engaged in the app, and forgot about his surrounding in the real world.

"Mwahaha! I win this time!"

Yuigahama cackled , her arms emphasizing her ample chest.

Both Yukinoshita and Isshiki glared at the tyrant who was looking down on them.

"I'm still growing! I'm sure mine will grow bigger!" (2x)

"But I'm already one step ahead. You can't even hope to match to mine!"

That was the last straw. They began trashing on the floor, pulling on each other's hair.

"And obviously, a teacher-student relationship is an absolute must."

"Hm?"

"Hm?"

"Hm?"

The ladies stopped their fight and looked at each other for a full moment, all conflict forgotten. All they could picture was a certain unmarried teacher at her 30s, who was desperate enough to be willing to marry her own student who was 10 years younger than herself.

Then they spoke in unison.

"There's clearly a better option right in front of you, so why would go for that old hag!?" (3x)

* * *

 **LOL**


	2. Fake

"Why am I friends with you guys anyway?"

"What do you mean with that!?"

"Exactly what I said!"

Everyone was painfully aware of the gradual degradation of the relationship between the members of Hayam's clique. Fights like this were a normal thing by now.

And as usual, the voice of reason tried to defuse the situation.

"You don't need to fight over this, guys. Calm down and-"

"Stay out of this, Hayato!"

"Yeah, man. We need to settle this right now, so don't interrupt us!"

Hayama was taken aback with the unusual aggressive look on the faces of his "friends". Not knowing what to do, he just stood there, looking like a lost child.

At the corner of that same classroom, Hikigaya Hachiman was sitting in his seat and watching them from afar.

(Heh. Serves you right, you damn farce.)

Hikigaya spat out in his heart.

Call him petty if you want, but Hikigaya Hachiman just can't stand fake things like Hayama Hayato and his little clique.

Then Hayama turned his face to Hikigaya and widened his eyes, as if just noticed his presence.

"Oh, ohhhhh, Hikigaya!"

"Wait. Don't come crying to me like I'm going to solve your problems for you, you fake idiot! Don't you have any pride!?"

There are problems that people should take care of themselves.

But sometimes, you need to ask for help.

Especially if you're a fake coward.

* * *

 **What did I just write?**


	3. Childhood Memories 1

Mrs. Yukinoshita was walking down the hallway when she heard some high-pitched voices coming from a room.

"Yukino-chaaan!"

"Hayato-kuuun!"

"?"

She noted the door was slightly open, so she quietly approached it and looked through the opening.

"Fusion!"

Yukino and Hayama raised their hands and connecting their fingers, they shouted together.

"Hahaha! That's so fun! Let's do it again, Yukino-chan!"

"H-Hayato-kun, you said this was the last time. This is so embarassing..."

Hayama was running around wearing an orange gi. The boy was laughing in utter glee and seemed so happy that the room might have brightned a bit. But Yukino looked exhausted and her face was red flushed, probably because of the embarassement.

"D-d-d-doggy, doggy DOG!"

"You can't, Hayato-kun! You promised you would never sing the dog song. A-At least sing the cat song..."

"..."

… _So Yukino really can act like a child after all._

Mrs. Yukinoshita smiled with relief.

Yukino rarely acted like a kid was supposed to, so this was a refreshing view to her mother.

"Ahh, now I'm thirsty. Yukino-chan, let's go get something to drink."

"Wait here, Hayato-kun. I'll go get them."

And Yukino opened the door.

"Ah."

"Ah."

Mother and daughter began to awkwardly stare at each other while Hayama widened his eyes and seemed surprised.

"...I'm sorry."

"Eh? Why are bowing down like that? Where's that childish innocence I saw earlier?! Am I that scary to you!?"

"Sob."

"Wah! Don't cry, Yukino! I'm not that a rigid mother that I will not let my children have fun!"

In the end, Mrs. Yukinoshita decided to play along with them to make her point.

Who would ever thought that she knew so much about Dragon Ball?

* * *

 **Piccolo rules all. Period.**


	4. New Year's Wish

"We were able to make it to the New Year safely again."

"So it seems."

It was 31 December. New Year's Eve. The city was filled with snow and the anxiety in the air was almost palpable.

To celebrate it, Hikigaya, Yuigahama, Yukinoshita and Hiratsuka met up at the local shrine.

"So what did you guys wish for?"

At that, Hiratsuka answered honestly.

"I want to get married."

"Pff..."

"Ahem."

"Haha..."

"You sure you want to spend the new year in a hospital bed, Hikigaya? Yukinoshita. Why are you pretending to cough while hiding you face like that? Am I that pathetic!? And Yuigahama. Don't look at me with those kind eyes and laughing like you know I'm going to fail anyway. That kind of sympathy hurts the most!"

Hikigaya was forced to grovel with all his might while the girls apologized.

"What about you, Hikigaya-kun?"

"Huh? Me?"

"Oh, yeah! What did you wish for, Hikki?"

"Probably just some stupid thing like 'I want to be a bear' or something."

And Hikigaya answered with a distant look on his face.

"I want to see the end of One Piece manga."

"That's impossible, just impossible!"

* * *

 **Happy 2018!**


	5. Love Letter

**Do not take this story seriously.**

* * *

"In the end, I have been dumped ** times. This year only."

"A double digit, heh?"

"Mn!"

"Bwah!?"

Of course, Hiratsuka punched Hikigaya in the gut.

"B-Bfguh. B-but, but. It was you who gave me that information all of a sudden. And I didn't even ask."

"I know, but I just felt so pissed when you put it that way that I had to punch you. Sorry. And I wanted to talk to someone about my problems. It's supposed to make you feel better."

"W-why this sudden change of heart...?"

"It's that time of the month."

"This conversation turned vulgar pretty fast!"

"Whatever. I'm just feeling like beating someone up to vent out my frustration, so shut up and accept my fists of love like a man, Hikigaya."

"I thought you wanted to talk about your problems!? D-don't tell me that the reason you specifically called me here after everyone else already gone home was to-...!"

"So that nobody would hear us."

"Oh, dear."

With that easy-to-create-misunderstandings line, the session of practical therapy began.

* * *

Hiratsuka Shizuka is a name recognized by all students of Sobu High School.

She's infamous for being dumped by ** men. This year only.

"Hm...?"

So seeing a white envolope on her desk was enough to put her on wariness.

it was a horizontally-oriented white envelope from a Western letter set. It was sealed with a red heart-shaped sticker.

It was there.

It was a...

"...A love letter!?"

Hiratsuka shouted as she grabbed the letter and examined it closer.

It was an absolute love letter that could not be rejected or questioned.

(W-what do I do? What do I do!?)

Hiratsuka glanced around and seeing no one in the corridors, she sighed in relief.

With her heart pounding against her chest, she opened the letter.

 _Dear Hiratsuka Shizuka-san._

(O-ohh, ohhhh! This is the real deal!)

 _I know what you must be thinking. Writing a love letter in this day and age? Yeah, I know, it's silly._

 _But I thought I'd try anyway._

 _I hope that my letter will not vanish and I am praying that my hope will reach you._

 _I merely wish you will receive my words with happiness._

 _The words I can say only to you._

(Mom, Dad. I did it. I finally did it! Now you two can't practice your favorite hobby anymore. Namely, calling me on Christmas and new year's eve to mock me and nag me about finding a man! Ha ha ha!)

With that, Hiratsuka brought her face closer and closer to the letter.

 _Take care so the ** don't go up to ***._

 _by Hikigaya Hachiman (lol)._

In an instant, Hiratsuka Shizuka punched the nearest wall and made a giant hole on it.

Blood vessels bulged out all across her face and miasma began pouring out of her mouth.

"Hikigaya! You goddamn braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat! ! !"

The earth itself seemed to shook with her roar.

* * *

Hikigaya Hachiman could heard the bloodcurdling scream, and so could Yuigahama and Yukinoshita.

"Hm? What's this?"

"A terremot? The table is shaking so much... Wah! The tea!"

As Yuigahama panicked and went to look for a towel, Yukinoshita closed her eyes and seemed to focus on something.

"...I think I can hear you name, Hikigaya-kun. Just what did you do?"

She sighed, as if exhaspered.

Hikigaya just sipped on his Pan-san cup.

"A little payback."

"?"

Hikigaya ignored the curious look of his clubmate, and returned his attention to his light novel.

He did not realize it, but he almost seemed to be enjoying himself.

"Hehe."

* * *

 **Back after 5 months of writing absolutely nothing. Maybe I'll be back after another 5 months. Or by Christmas. Or New Year, I don't know.**

 **Bye~**


	6. Drunk, A Lot

**Love Letter - The Aftermath**

* * *

"Um, why am I here?"

"Your heart was headed in a dark direction after you got dumped *** times. That's the perfect time to drink and forget it all!"

Hiratsuka Shizuka was in a bar with her friend.

"...I really shouldn't be here. I have work tomorrow and I still have some exams to take care of."

"I know you're trying to suppress your emotions by diving head-first into work, but you can't! You can't, can't, can't! It's best to let them out as soon as you can. Suppressing them just let them build up! Now c'mon, let's drink already!"

"Are you sure this isn't just your selfish wish speaking for yourself because you didn't want to drink alone? Sigh. Alright, alright."

One glass.

Two glasses.

Three glas-

"Hic. Huhhh? Why'sh the world all shpinny all af sudden?"

"Mah hah hah! That's the magic power of sake! Nothing's impossible and you can forget everything unpleasant!"

Something was wrong.

Something felt off.

Hiratsuka tried to check the clock on the wall, but found that she couldn't read it.

"... ... ..."

 _Oh, honestly. I don't even care anymore ! ! !_

Hiratsuka began emptying one glass after another at a rapid pace.

"Nya ha ha ha! Way to go, Shizuka!"

Seeing her finaly giving in to the alcohol, her friend smiled.

"But I gotta say... Receiving a triple-digit number of rejections sure is impressive. I wonder who was the guy who managed to turn your double digit into a triple?

"..."

At that, a sudden memory came to Hiratsuka.

 _Take care so the ** don't go up to ***._

"...Tch."

She poured more sake on her glass, a tad agressevely.

"Hic. Hikigaya, you damn brat. I will make sure that your final exams to be the hardest exams you ever take in your life! And if I feel like it, I'll increase your homework tenfold, too."

Hiratsuka whispered some rather irresponsible stuff, but her little rant didn't go unnoticed by her friend.

"And there you go again. Whenever you're feeling down you always start complaining about this certain student of yours."

"B-bfgh!? N-no! I don't!"

She put a finger on her chin, as if thinking about something.

"Hm. What was his name again? Hikigaya Hachiman-kun...?"

"Kyahhhhhhhhhh!? The fact that you know his name means that I really have done that a lot, didn't I!? I'll drink! I'll drink and forget all of my embarassing memories!"

Hiratsuka grabbed the bottle of sake and gulped it down in one go.

"(sparkle sparkle) ...Oh?"

"W-what? I don't like that look in your eyes..."

"Oh, ohhhh! Shizukaaaaaa-chaaaannnnnnnnn~! ! !"

"What!? Quit that creepy smile and say what you want already!"

"I see. Oh, I see. It's no wonder you have been dumped ** times by _other_ men already."

"Were you listening to anything I was saying? It's *** times, you dumb woman!"

"Y-you shouldn't be proud of that! Don't stuff out your unnecessarily big chest with pride, either!"

Yes, they were seriously drunk. The other customers in the bar were clearly disturbed by them, and even the staff members kept distance from the duo.

And that didn't sit right with Hiratsuka.

"Hm? You got a problem? Say it loud! Now that I've been ditched *** times, I'm not afraid of anything!"

"Hya hya hya hya hya hya!"

"Gwa ha ha ha ha!"

As the two women laughed like idiots, a last conscious thought flashed in Hiratsuka's drunk mind.

 _Ahhh._

 _I have a feeling I'm saying a bunch of things that'll make me squirm in embarassement later, but I can't think straight._

 _Oh, well._

Alcohol really is a kick in the balls to sadness.

* * *

 **Well, this came out earlier than I expected.**

 **For next chapter, I was thinking of a Hikigaya x Haruno, or Hikigaya x Miura or even a Hikigaya x Zaimokuza(lol), but I have no idea of what I should write about them.**

 **Suggestions, much?**


End file.
